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Jordan James Benedict Tootell

1994 - 1995
LocationScunthorpe
Age6 months
Cause of DeathCot Death/Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
Date of Birth31/12/1994
Date of Death6/1995
Visitors2,372 since 22/04/2007
Creator
Maria T

Jordan James Benedict Tootell, precious first born baby son. Lost to Cot Death aged just 6 months. Born New Years Eve 1994 at 30 weeks pregnant. Labour had started on Christmas day. The hospital had spent the whole week trying to stop him from coming. But, he was a fine healthy but small baby, weighing 3lb 11oz. One month after he was born, he had got well enough to come home from hospital. In May 1995, two weeks before his death, he had surgery for a hernia. He never seemed right afterwards, just not really himself. Exactly one week before his death I walked him into town, and got his photo's taken by the baby photographers. The woman took the pictures and told me to come back on 5th June, to view/ buy the pics or they would be destroyed ( it was one of those travelling photography firms) . On his last weekend I took him to the Gala fair, and we spent a happy day together, not knowing or realising what was going to happen, he seemed so fine and I was so proud of how well he was growing.... Then Monday morning arrived , I found him dead. He was just 6 months old. I REMEMBER....waking up and feeling like i was alone in the room, but i knew Jordan was there. I REMEMBER... jumping up and flinging the curtains open for light as i ran to his pram. I REMEMBER..seeing him laying eyes half opened and so pale. I REMEMBER picking him up and running screaming to the stairs, my head was desperately trying to believe he wasnt dead. I REMEBER... my screams, screaming for my husband to come and tell me what was wrong with Jordan.I REMEBER.. my husband practically leaping the stairs and grabbing the baby, trying to help him...My husband went running down the road banging on doors for help and to use the phone for an ambulance....NOT ONE PERSON BOTHERED TO OPEN THEIR DOOR. my husband had to run alone to a phone box in the next street. when the ambulance arrived i was in shock. they pretended for our benefit to bag him with oxygen. but i could hear them in the ambulance phoning the hospital and saying "infant cardiac arrest", and then they turned the sirens off. i knew what that meant. my husband remembers looking out of the ambulance window as it passed friends of ours going about their business, unaware of our tragedy. I REMEMBER in the hospital they spent 20 minutes tring to ressusitate. then they brought him back to me wearing a christening gown. That stands in my mind, as the RC Church had being dragging their feet about christening him as WE weren't married yet. My poor baby had never got Christened. That was the worst day of my life, and, in shock, i couldnt recognise him.I loved him so very much. Post mortem confirmed he had died from Cot Death. There would never be any answers, no diagnosis. Town gossip was awful, people pointing and whispering. My perfect, beautiful baby, that had died in his sleep, and that hurt. For my son to just die seems worse without a reason. My only memories I would ever have of him would be the pictures that I was unable to ever collect . But, when I arrived at home that night, after we couldn't hold him any more at the hospital, the whole collection of pictures was waiting, they had been donated. Those pictures are all I now have of Jordan, along with the lovely little suit he wore for his picture, which is hanging in my wardrobe still. I still have his dummy and calpol on my shelf. I gaze at his picture, and his smile, rub my finger over his face, he looked so healthy and alive, yet he was going to go away from me, and looking at his face, you just can't see it. You can just see a lovely blonde haired blue eyed baby, with a wonderful wide smile looking back at me. Its took many long years to learn to cope with the grief, and somehow got through some very black times. Now I have 4 more children, but my Jordan holds a special place in my heart, and my life feels incomplete without him. Jordan was blonde, blue eyes, cheeky smile, and was growing big and strong. He had died on Monday, as I awoke the Thursday morning, I dreamed he came to me, his face was floating above me saying goodbye, I dreamed i reached out with all my might to pull him back to me, but his image shot backwards, away from me.. I know it was only a dream but I like to think that somehow he came to say goodbye as his spirit soared to heaven. I wish I got to hold him one more time, I wish the doctors could have given a reason, I wish so hard that it hurts.... that my sweetheart was back with me today, growing up with his brothers and sister. I wish, after all these years it would get easier, but the pain is the same.To those who have felt loss such as this i offer sincere sympathy, because, with a cot death there is not time to prepare or say any goodbyes. I wish i could have got to say goodbye to him. I wish a million wishes. The pain of not being able to physically talk about it makes it hard.But whenever i try to speak about him, i feel the emotions and tears welling. It appears like he was forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again, although maybe people avoid the issue so i dont get upset. But as long as I live, he will live in my thoughts and memory. God Bless my little sweet darling "kikiboo". Gone But Never Forgotten xxx
+++ I pray to God Above for people to realize that COT Deaths do happen. Please please be aware of the risks, and watch your babies constantly. you may feel that sort of stuff happens to someone else, but life can be that cruel +++
*β€’.ΒΈβ˜† ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜† Β΄*β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜† Β΄*β˜† ΒΈ.β€’**
*β€’.ΒΈβ˜† ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜† Β΄*β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜† Β΄*β˜† ΒΈ.β€’**
*β€’.ΒΈβ˜† β˜†.β€’*
*β€’.ΒΈβ˜† May the winds of love blow softly β˜†.β€’*
*β€’.ΒΈβ˜† and whisper for you to hear, β˜†.β€’*
*β€’.ΒΈβ˜† How much we love and miss you, β˜†.β€’*
*β€’.ΒΈβ˜† and wish that you were here β˜†.β€’*
*β€’.ΒΈβ˜† β˜†.β€’*
*β€’.ΒΈβ˜† ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜† Β΄*β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜† Β΄*β˜† ΒΈ.β€’*
*β€’.ΒΈβ˜† ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜† Β΄*β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜†ΒΈ.β€’*Β΄β˜† Β΄*β˜† ΒΈ.β€’*

Gifts

Tributes

Tiny Angels rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren't here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook his head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".

Hoping your family have a happy New Year
With love
Hayden's nannie

Caroline Ramshaw

December 31, 2010

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Maxine Brown

August 8, 2010

The tiny rosebud God picked to bloom in Heaven.
The master gardener from heaven above
Planted a seed in the garden of Love,
And from it there grew a rosebud small
That never had time to open at all.
For God in his perfect and all-wise way
Chose this rose for his heavenly bouquet,
And great was the joy of this tiny rose
To be the one our Father chose
To leave earth’s garden
For one on high
where roses bloom always and never die.
So, while you can’t see your precious rose bloom,
You know the great gardener from the upper room
Is watching and tending this wee rose with care,
Tenderly touching each petal so fair.
So think of your darling with the angels above,
Secure and contented and surrounded with love,
And remember God blessed and enriched your lives too,
For in dying your darling brought heaven closer to you.
Helen Steiner Rice

Caroline Ramshaw

June 1, 2010

Happy Birthday In Heaven - by Winnie Lovett

"Happy Birthday Jordan"
It's sure to be the best one yet,
Though you left us here behind.
Did you think that we'd forget?

Your cake this year, will surely be,
A beauty to behold.
With the icing made of Silver,
And the candles made of Gold.

Yes, your birthday in Heaven,
Will be such a grand affair.
And I know you'll look so lovely,
With a halo in your hair.

The Angels will come from everywhere,
To sing your birthday song.
And I know they'll be so happy,
That you've joined, God's Happy Throng.

No I can't send a card this year,
Or give a gift so fine.
So I'll just send a special prayer,
To that wonderful Son of yours.

Joanne Mum To Alex And Ciara

December 31, 2009

You Gave You Took Away - by Sharon Wheeler

As I travel across this land
There is something missing today
It’s my Angel child
The one God took away

He gave me that beautiful child
Then he took them straight away
What was the point I asked
As I knelt down and prayed

I never got to see my child play
And grow like all the others
I thought Lord that was my job
A child, and me to be the Mother.

I never even got any warning
Nothing was ever said
I woke up that sunny morning
To find my sweet child dead.

You gave them life, you stole it
You broke my heart in two
Why? Why? Dear Lord
That’s all I ask from you?

Copyright© Sharon Wheeler

Joanne Mum To Alex And Ciara

December 31, 2009

been searching for words to describe how i feel when i think of you. but there are no words that can express it. i feel a wave of anguish, sadness, bitterness, breathless heartache. these are hidden behind my empty smile, but my eyes stay lost. days and nights of longing. emptyness. i love you so very very very much. i can still smell you, hear you, and in the bedroom, i can see your things. my comfort is knowing that you are waiting for me, and that you were beloved and very special. xx mummy

Maria T (Mother)

March 17, 2009

I believe in Angels
I wish it wasnt true,
We didnt want an Angel
We only wanted you,

Youve left behind our broken hearts.
Our thoughts and photos too.
We didnt want a memory
We only wanted you .

Maria T (Mother)

March 6, 2009

SPECIAL LITTLE SPIRIT


"You're a Special Little Spirit,"
the all great Master said,
As he gently caressed the curly blond hair
of the Little Spirit's head
"You need to go to Earth
to spend some time, you know,
A place I send most Spirits
to be tested, to learn, and grow."
The Little Spirit, in sadness,
slowly bowed her head,
And from her eye a tear did steal
and down her cheek it shed.
"Don't you fret now little one,
I won't let you stay too long,
I'll bring you back to help me here,
You'll hardly know that you've been gone.
You're my choicest Little Spirit,
you're the apple of my eye."
And he wiped the tear and gently kissed
His Little Spirit good-bye.
"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered,
as she climbed onto her Master's knee,
And the Master said, "I told you,
you would not be long away from me."
And then, the Lord, He noticed
still another tear welled in her eye.
"Why are you so sad, Little Spirit,
whatever should make you cry?"
"I'm glad I'm back," the Little Spirit said,
"but Master you must surely know,
When Your Angel came to get me,
I did not want to go.
I know You said You needed me,
and that I'd be gone the shortest while,
But Lord, couldn't I have had
a little longer earthly trial?"
The Master let the Little Spirit
slip down from off His knee,
He firmly took the little hand and said,
"Come walk with Me."
The Little Spirit and the Lord
slowly walked hand in hand,
As the Master explained her special part
in the great and marvelous plan.
"Now, Lord, I don't mean to argue,
I understand that you needed me home.
But I left in such a hurry,
I left everyone hurting and so alone.
I didn't let my earthly parents know
how much I loved them so.
I was too small to tell them Lord,
how will they ever know?
They feel they've been cheated,
and in a way, so do I.
Not getting to share any more than we did,
how can I ever tell them why?"
"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy
with this message you need to share.
But you need not worry anymore,
I'll watch over your loved ones there.
I'll send them loving comfort
as a strong and helping hand.
I'll contend and give peace to their aching hearts,
so they will understand."
The Little Spirit looked up at her Master
and said "Thank You for explaining it to me.
And could you please tell them that I'm safe and happy,
and that someday They'll be here with me?"
"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod,
I'll tell them all that I can.
Then the others came to see the Little Spirit,
as the Lord let go of her hand.
He said, "I'll tell them that you're pure,
as pure as Heaven's Gold,
That I needed the warmth of your perfect soul
to keep Heaven from getting cold"

Author unknown

Maria T (Mother)

March 3, 2009

thinking of you today. its your baby sisters 8th birthday. a family celebration you cant share. but you were tearfully thought about and cherished memories brought to the surface again. hope you are fine my darling precious xxx

Maria T (Mother)

January 9, 2009

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Bon Nxxx

December 31, 2008
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